


No Furries Allowed

by Fivver



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, But not today, Gen, Group Chat Fic, bc uhhhh plot convenience, i promise i will explain the au and everyones powers properly, ships will be added when they happen, tags to be updated, theres a plot here somewhere just not a lot at the beginning, theyre somewhere in their early twenties, this is actually part of a fully fleshed out au but all ive read lately are chat fics so, this is just where we ended up, why did they wait so long to make a group chat/talk to each other?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-12-02 02:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20968469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fivver/pseuds/Fivver
Summary: MsWifi has added Kite, PowerTool, Weather, Mysterion and +5 other users to the chat.MsWifi: Alright, you’ve all heard the extended version of the rules, but let me do a quick summary for those of you who weren’t listening yesterday.Mosquito: sooooo everyone???MsWifi has muted Mosquito.MsWifi: Rule 1: No revealing your identity unless it is absolutely necessary, like a life or death situation. This applies to picking usernames; no names that could even vaguely hint at your real name.MsWifi: Rule 2: No unnecessary spamming. The client has a PM system and I strongly encourage you to use it if you want to pester one or two specific people.MsWifi: Rule 3: Only use the @Everyone tag for emergencies and/or important announcements, not to show some stupid meme.MsWifi: Rule 4: Cursing and stuff is obviously allowed, but do remember that we are all supposed to be professional superheroes and try to act the part, yes?MsWifi: Rule 5:MsWifi has unmuted Mosquito.MsWifi: I created this client and I have the ultimate power over it, don’t even test me.





	No Furries Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on a Superhero au along the lines of "FBW superheroes, but like, slightly more realistic", and somewhere between coming up with a couple of new superhero names (because, honestly, i do not imagine for example Kyle going by "Human Kite" when he's like 20) and looking up various superpowers and what they can do, I realized I didn't know how to actually present the au properly. And my solution apparently turned out to be a silly group chat fic, bc that's what I've been reading a lot of lately.  
So my plan is a series, where this fic will be the main part, and then I'll write some shorter "proper" fics when a scene presents itself that requires a more "irl" approach, y'know?  
The note at the end contains a small guide to the new superhero names, and everyones chat names!

** _MsWifi_ ** _ has added _ ** _Kite_**_, _ ** _PowerTool_**_, _ ** _Weather_**_, _ ** _Mysterion _ ** _ and +5 other users to the chat. _

**MsWifi:** Alright, you’ve all heard the extended version of the rules, but let me do a quick summary for those of you who weren’t listening yesterday.

**Mosquito:** sooooo everyone???

** _MsWifi _ ** _ has muted _ ** _Mosquito_**_. _

**MsWifi:** Rule 1: No revealing your identity unless it is absolutely necessary, like a life or death situation. This applies to picking usernames; no names that could even vaguely hint at your real name.

**MsWifi:** Rule 2: No unnecessary spamming. The client has a PM system and I strongly encourage you to use it if you want to pester one or two specific people.

**MsWifi:** Rule 3: Only use the _ @Everyone _ tag for emergencies and/or important announcements, not to show some stupid meme.

**MsWifi:** Rule 4: Cursing and stuff is obviously allowed, but do remember that we are all supposed to be professional superheroes and try to act the part, yes?

**MsWifi:** Rule 5:

** _MsWifi _ ** _ has unmuted _ ** _Mosquito_**_. _

**MsWifi:** I created this client and I have the ultimate power over it, don’t even test me.

**MsWifi:** If anyone has any questions about how the client works or want me to add a (necessary/actually important) feature, just PM me and we’ll talk.

**MsWifi:** Now then!

** _MsWifi _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _BeepMe_**_. _

**PowerTool:** Kim Possible reference?

**BeepMe:** Naturally :)

** _PowerTool _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _YouveBeenDrilled_**_. _

**BeepMe:** Really? :/

**YouveBeenDrilled:** hey, let me live, alright?

**BeepMe:** If I must.

** _Kite _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _SoaringFlying_**_. _

**Mosquito:** high school musical?? really???

**SoaringFlying:** The fact that you instantly knew what it meant gives you absolutely zero room to judge.

**Mosquito: **……….

**Mosquito:** you know what, that’s fair

** _Mosquito _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _SupportLawyers_**_. _

**YouveBeenDrilled:** okay but why??

**SupportLawyers:** blood suckers, man

**SupportLawyers: **we gotta stick together

**SoaringFlying:** Thanks, I hate it

** _DrTimothy _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _DrTimmay_**_. _

**DrTimmay:** :)

** _Fastpass _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _OnYourLeft_**_. _

**YouveBeenDrilled:** ngl, i was expecting a Flash quote

**OnYourLeft:** i’m honestly hurt that you thought i’d be that predictable ;’’((

** _Weather _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _Drizzle_**_. _

**CANister:** You’ve got so much more power than just some light rain, why is that your focus?

**Drizzle:** you’ll see

**CANister: **Alright then.

**SuperFist:** do we have to change our names

**SoaringFlying:** Not really? But it’s fun, and makes the chat look a bit less stiff, you know?

**BeepMe:** Exactly! This is supposed to be a good and secure place for us all to talk to each other, after all. You don’t *have* to change your name obviously, but like Kite said, it’s for fun!

**SuperFist:** hm.

**SuperFist:** _@Drizzle_ give me a name suggestion

**Drizzle:** no

** _SuperFist _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _no_**_. _

**no:** thnx

** _CANister _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _DoNotOpen_**_. _

**SupportLawyers:** i mean

**SupportLawyers:** can’t argue with that one

**YouveBeenDrilled:** yeah dude, never open CANister’s helmet without permission, you’ll regret it

**OnYourLeft:** speaking from personal experience, PT?

**DoNotOpen:** He is.

**YouveBeenDrilled:** i plead the fifth

**OnYourLeft:** lmao

**SoaringFlying:** Is that everyone then?

**BeepMe:** Not quite.

**BeepMe:** _@Mysterion _I know you’re reading the chat.

**Mysterion:** I’m still not entirely convinced this is a good idea. It’s putting all our identities at risk.

**BeepMe:** If last week proved anything, it’s that we need to be able to communicate with each other properly in our off-time, and this is a lot less effort than me constantly tracking all of your phones and pinging you when I need you.

**BeepMe:** And even then it would only be me one-way-communicating with all of you, and none of you with each other, or back to me, which really wouldn’t be efficient at all.

**BeepMe:** Me creating a chat client that only exists on the phones I decide is the most secure and least energy draining solution I could come up with. And everyone else agreed that this is actually a good idea.

**BeepMe:** So we’re doing this wether you want to or not.

**Mysterion:** Sigh.

**BeepMe:** But you are welcome to leave at any time if you feel this is threatening your whole mysterious vibe or whatever. But if you start feeling left out because the rest of us decided that being able to communicate with each other outside of talking briefly after fights is actually necessary, that’s entirely on you.

**Mysterion:** ..... Noted.

**BeepMe:** Good.

**Myserion:** I will not be joining the dumb names though.

**Mysterion:** And I’m muting the group. @ me if you need me.

**SoaringFlying: **Dramatic…

**YouveBeenDrilled:** were you honestly expecting anything else?

**SoaringFlying:** Can’t argue with your point tbh

**OnYourLeft:** i dont understand his attitude honestly

**OnYourLeft:** y’all know who me and timmy are

**OnYourLeft: **for obvious reasons

**OnYourLeft:** and no one has died from it

**DoNotOpen: **Your families are under high security surveillance.

**OnYourLeft:** yes but no one has died

**DoNotOpen:** I can’t say you’re wrong, but that really shouldn’t be your only argument to it being safe to reveal our identities.

**OnYourLeft: **one day youll see things my way mr can ;;;P

**DoNotOpen: **I sincerely hope not.

**OnYourLeft: **awwh dont wound me like this :(((((((

**YouveBeenDrilled: **rip Fastpass

**SoaringFlying:** M has a bit of a point, actually.

**OnYourLeft:** dude kite wtf????

**SoaringFlying:** No, really, hear me out.

**OnYourLeft: **suddenly i am deaf

**SoaringFlying:** You *know* that’s a figure of speech and that this is a text based communication medium.

**OnYourLeft:** and unable to read

**YouveBeenDrilled:** lmao

**SoaringFlying: **Ha ha.

**SoaringFlying:** Listen.

**SoaringFlying: **If all our identities were known, it would be so much harder for us to do our jobs. We’re lucky that the members who *are* known is the who can run super fast, and the one who can teleport.

**SoaringFlying: **Surely you’ve noticed the annoying media attention Fastpass and Dr. Timothy get every time they’re out trying to do their goddamn jobs.

**SoaringFlying:** Plus what CANister said; the Valmers and the Burches are under constant heavy surveillance to ensure their safety in case any of our enemies decide to target them. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I sure as fuck don’t want my own family to fall victim to the Sunday Morning Cartoon Villain Of The Week.

**DoNotOpen:** Yes. Thank you.

**OnYourLeft:** i hate the sense youre making

**YouveBeenDrilled:** and you weren’t even an ass about it

**YouveBeenDrilled: ** see _ @Mysterion _ THATS how you explain your shit properly

**Mysterion: **Whatever.

**SoaringFlying:** If a reveal happens, it happens, but we can at least all agree that *if* it happens, it’ll be either on accident or because some big emergency is going on, yeah?

**Mysterion:** Fine.

**BeepMe:** Agreed!

**OnYourLeft:** fiiiiiine

**YouveBeenDrilled:** sure

**SupportLawyers:** yes yes

**Support Lawyers:** …… wait

**SupportLawyers: **i just read the chat back and

**SupportLawyers:** _@BeepMe_

**SupportLawyers: **you can track our phones??? for real???

**BeepMe:** Yes? If I’ve touched a communication device I can track it even if it’s miles away from me.

**BeepMe:** I thought this was common knowledge... I feel like I’m always talking about my powers?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** “communication device”?

**BeepMe:** Phones, pagers, computers, tablets, anything with an internet connection.

**YouveBeenDrilled:** who even uses pagers anymore?

**BeepMe:** Doctors.

**BeepMe:** Doctors use pagers.

**BeepMe:** And I like to keep track of where the closest medical professionals are, for obvious reasons, Mr. This-Drill-Totally-Listens-To-Me-And-Would-Never-Turn-On-Me.

**YouveBeenDrilled:** damn, ok, fair enough

**SoaringFlying:** That’s actually really cool, _ @BeepMe _! That you can track electronic things like that!

**BeepMe:** Aww thank you, Kite!! :D

**SoaringFlying:** What’s your tracking range?

**BeepMe:** Hmm. I don’t know, actually? Enough to cover the city, but I haven’t had to track anyone outside of it yet.

**SoaringFlying:** Hmu if you want to test it sometime!

**BeepMe:** Oh yes! I’ll definitely be taking you up on that someday soon! It would be pretty good information to have!

**BeepMe:** When would work best for you?

**SoaringFlying:** I always have time for you, so just let me know when you have time and I’ll be there!

**BeepMe:** Aww!! <333

**SoaringFlying:** <333

**YouveBeenDrilled:** on one hand you guys are just disgustingly adorable

**YouveBeenDrilled:** on the other hand, doesn’t this technically count as a PM convo _ @BeepMe _

**BeepMe:** Oops. I’m sorry :(

**YouveBeenDrilled:** lol nah don’t even worry about it

**YouveBeenDrilled:** i’m just messing with you :)

**SupportLawyers:** better watch out _ @SoaringFlying _, PT is moving in on ur girl

**SoaringFlying:** He’s the one who better watch out, WiFi is more than capable of kicking his ass if he does something stupid

**SupportLawyers:** yeah that’s true

**YouveBeenDrilled:** she wouldn’t be able to defeat me that easily wtf

**SupportLawyers:** nah dude she would

**DoNotOpen:** Yes, she definitely would and could

**SoaringFlying:** Absolutely

**no:** without a doubt

**Drizzle:** yea man everyone knows it

**OnYourLeft:** not just you either

**OnYourLeft:** she could def take most of us in 1v1

**SoaringFlying: **What Fastpass said

**SoaringFlying:** But especially you _ @YouveBeenDrilled _ and CANister; she could very easily turn your tools against you and CANister against himself

**YouveBeenDrilled:** ……….. well fuck. hadn’t rly thought about it like that

**BeepMe:** :)))))))

**DoNotOpen:** That just looks so passive aggressive.

**BeepMe:** I would never!

**OnYourLeft:** sooooooo

**OnYourLeft:** anyone else notice Coon isn’t here?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** .....now that you mention it

**DoNotOpen:** I was just thinking that this was too calm and pleasant.

**YouveBeenDrilled:** _@BeepMe _you didn’t add him?

**BeepMe:** :)))))))

**YouveBeenDrilled:** i mean

**YouveBeenDrilled:** fair enough

**SupportLawyers:** but like

**SupportLawyers:** can’t we all just admit

**SupportLawyers:** that we dont even WANT him here???

**SoaringFlying:** You’re definitely not wrong...

**SoaringFlying:** No one actually wants him around, ever. But if we don’t invite him soon he’s going to throw a hissy fit.

**DoNotOpen:** And this would be out of the ordinary how?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** remember that an extra whiny coon will be extra likely to endanger civilians

**YouveBeenDrilled: **so yeah

**SoaringFlying:** Yeah

**SoaringFlying:** _@BeepMe_

**BeepMe:** S i g h.

**BeepMe:** And we were having such a good time too.

**SoaringFlying: **Believe me, I know.

**SoaringFlying: **But, what PT said.

**BeepMe:** Fine, just give me a moment.

**BeepMe:** No one mention anything that’s been talked about up until this point except the rule summary at the beginning, cool? Cool.

** _BeepMe _ ** _ has added _ ** _TheCoon_ ** _ to the chat. _

**TheCoon:** you all really can’t function without your leader around huh? 

**SoaringFlying:** What?

**TheCoon:** wifi posted the rules like an hour ago and no one has said a peep since, you clearly can’t even hold proper conversations without me here

**TheCoon:** makes me all warm and tingly inside, really

**TheCoon: **but don’t you worry, i am here now, all is well

**BeepMe:** Yes. All is well. :)))

** _TheCoon _ ** _ changed their name to _ ** _IAmTHECoon_**_. _

** _IAmTHECoon _ ** _ has named the chat _ ** _Coon & Companions OFFICIAL CHAT_ **

_ PM between _ ** _SoaringFlying _ ** _ and _ ** _BeepMe_ **

**SoaringFlying: **You could absolutely find out anyone’s identity just by poking at their phones the right way, correct?

**BeepMe: **Absolutely.

**SoaringFlying:** Cool cool.

**BeepMe: **Are you worried?

**SoaringFlying: **Not really, I trust you.

**SoaringFlying: **Just figured it’s good to know, in case of extreme emergencies.

**BeepMe: **I haven’t dug into anyone’s personal info yet. Except. Well.

**BeepMe:** I just had to confirm him...

**SoaringFlying:** We all know who he is anyway, it’s not like he’s subtle. Plus there really only exists one person like that in the world.

**SoaringFlying:** If there were more of him I’d set the entire planet on fire.

**SoaringFlying:** Also “yet”?

**BeepMe:** I’m still fighting the temptation but who knows how long I can manage…

**BeepMe:** And I’ll help you pour the gasoline.

**SoaringFlying:** And that’s why you’re my fave.

**BeepMe:** Aww <33

**BeepMe: **Oops. Habit haha

**SoaringFlying: **It’s fine, dw!

**SoaringFlying: **So about that phone tracking thing? :)

**BeepMe:** Oh! Yes!

_ Beep Me is typing... _

_ PM between _ ** _no _ ** _ and _ ** _Drizzle_ **

**no:** patrol tonight?

**Drizzle:** can’t, family stuff

**Drizzle: **take Kite

**no:** k

**no:** gl or w/e

**Drizzle: **thanks i’ll need it

_ PM between _ ** _Mysterion _ ** _ and _ ** _SoaringFlying_ **

**Mysterion:** Thank you.

**SoaringFlying: **For what?

**Mysterion: **Explaining to them.

**Mysterion: **Making them understand. Finally.

**SoaringFlying: **Oh.

**SoaringFlying: **Np dude.

** _PM _ ** _ between _ ** _OnYourLeft _ ** _ and _ ** _YouveBeenDrilled_ **

**OnYourLeft:** did you want the old comic prints?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** fuck yeah dude

**YouveBeenDrilled:** meet me outside city sushi around lunch tomorrow?

**OnYourLeft:** full PT ensemble at the busiest time of the day?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** it’s city sushi dude, their busy time is like 8 people

**OnYourLeft:** not since the newhire

**YouveBeenDrilled:** wym?

**OnYourLeft:** havent seen him myself yet but according to my women coworkers hes “as hot as a volcano filled with fireworks”

**YouveBeenDrilled:** wtf

**OnYourLeft: **i dont get women dont ask me

**YouveBeenDrilled:** i got this, 1 sec

**OnYourLeft: **kk

_ PM between _ ** _YouveBeenDrilled _ ** _ and _ ** _BeepMe_ **

**YouveBeenDrilled:** i need a translation

**BeepMe: **SIGH

**BeepMe: **Alright, let’s hear it.

**YouveBeenDrilled:** “hes as hot as a volcano filled with fireworks”

**BeepMe: **I’d say he’s a 9 or a 10

**YouveBeenDrilled:** damn

**BeepMe: **Who is it?

**YouveBeenDrilled: **newhire at city wook

**YouveBeenDrilled: **idk him but apparently that’s how he’s being described

**BeepMe:** Oh my…..

**YouveBeenDrilled:** lmao

**YouveBeenDrilled:** should i be worred on behalf of Kite?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** hello?

**YouveBeenDrilled:** wifi???

**YouveBeenDrilled: **goddammit

_ PM between _ ** _BeepMe _ ** _ and _ ** _SoaringFlying_ **

**BeepMe: **Apparently a 9/10 has started working at City Wook

**SoaringFlying: **Sources???

**BeepMe: **PT, though…. You know what, I didn’t actually ask him

**SoaringFlying:** Translating horny woman speech again?

**BeepMe: **:)))))

**SoaringFlying: **Well if City Wook has hired someone who’s actually nice to look at I guess I can’t get my lunch in peace there anymore

**BeepMe: **And I can’t go there anytime soon either, I bet PT will be on the lookout for someone with my aproximate features...

**SoaringFlying:** There’s a pretty nice café on the east side of town that opened a couple of months ago, you might like it?

**BeepMe:** Oh? Tweek Bros finally getting some competition?

**SoaringFlying:** Are we not acknowledging the three Starbucks?

**BeepMe: **Not when their prices are triple what Tweek Bros. are, no.

**SoaringFlying:** Fair, fair.

**SoaringFlying: **But yeah, it’s apparently run by their son.

**BeepMe: **Wait, Tweek? Tweek runs a coffee shop? That *isn’t* his parents?

**SoaringFlying: **You know Tweek?

**BeepMe:** I know *of* him, yes. Kind of hard not to, considering how Mr. Tweak has been boasting about the family owned business for years.

**BeepMe:** Guess that went down the drain, huh?

**SoaringFlying:** Apparently.

**BeepMe: **You said it’s good?

**SoaringFlying:** It’s pretty small, got this whole sleepy and cozy atmosphere going, with coffee prices even college students could afford getting a coffee addiction on.

**SoaringFlying:** The blueberry muffins are pretty good too.

**BeepMe: **I’ll remember to check it out on a more *off* day off.

**SoaringFlying: **Never a calm moment, huh?

**BeepMe: **Sigh. No.

**BeepMe:** And speaking of…

** _Coon and Companions OFFICIAL CHAT_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ members: BeepMe, SoaringFlying, YouveBeenDrilled, Drizzle, Mysterion, SupportLawyers, no, DoNotOpen, OnYourLeft, DrTimmay, IAmTHECoon _

**IAmTHECoon:** _@Everyone_ we’re having a meeting at HQ tonight. 10pm. not optional.

**SoaringFlying:** What’s the meeting about?

**IAmTHECoon:** show up and you’ll find out

**Mysterion:** No thanks.

**IAmTHECoon: **what part of “not optional” did you not understand, edgelord

**Mysterion: **The part where you forgot that most of us have lives outside of this that might require us to sleep at a decent time.

**BeepMe:** I’ll transcribe it for you.

**Mysterion:** Thanks.

**IAmTHECoon: **what the fuck wifi, don’t give him an out that easily

**BeepMe: **He’s right though, Coon. We can’t keep having late meetings. Between running our actual lives and running around protecting the city, we need whatever little sleep we can get.

**BeepMe:** Just because you’re nocturnal doesn’t mean the rest of us are.

**IAmTHECoon:** you all fucking suck

**IAmTHECoon:** it is our goddamn responsibility to be well planned and organized in the event of a crisis, and you all need to take this shit fucking seriously

**BeepMe:** How about me and a couple more show up and I’ll send out transcriptions of the meeting to the rest?

**IAmTHECoon: **fucking fine.

**IAmTHECoon:** who else?

** _BeepMe _ ** _ has added _ ** _SoaringFlying_**_, _ ** _Drizzle_**_, _ ** _YouveBeenDrilled_**_, _ ** _no _ ** _ and + 5 other users to the chat. _

** _BeepMe _ ** _ has named the chat _ ** _No Furries Allowed_ **

**BeepMe:** Same rules apply, blah blah.

**SoaringFlying:** Oh my G OD W I F I

**BeepMe:** ;)))

**BeepMe:** Anyway!

**BeepMe:** Volunteers?

**SupportLawyers:** ugh

**SupportLawyers:** i guess i can come, i dont have anything planned most of tomorrow anyway

**BeepMe: **Two more, come on!

**no:** yh

**BeepMe: **And one more!

**OnYourLeft:** sure why not

**BeepMe:** Wonderful!

** _Coon and Companions OFFICIAL CHAT_ ** ** _  
_ ** _ members: BeepMe, SoaringFlying, YouveBeenDrilled, Drizzle, Mysterion, SupportLawyers, no, DoNotOpen, OnYourLeft, DrTimmay, IAmTHECoon _

**IAmTHECoon:** well assholes??

**OnYourLeft:** im in

**SupportLawyers:** me too

**no:** 3

**IAmTHECoon:** HQ 10pm sharp

**BeepMe: **Yes, yes. We’ll be there.

** _No Furries Allowed_ **  
_ members: BeepMe, SoaringFlying, Drizzle, YouveBeenDrilled, no, SupportLawyers, OnYourLeft, Mysterion, DoNotOpen, DrTimmey _

**SupportLawyers: **so we are absolutely only using the other one when coon writes in it, right?

**BeepMe:** Yes

**YouveBeenDrilled:** yes

**Drizzle:** yes

**SoaringFlying: **Yes

**no:** y

**Mysterion: **Yes

**DrTimmey:** :)

**DoNotOpen: **Yes

**OnYourLeft:** yes

**SupportLaywers: **amazing

**Author's Note:**

> **Canon Name** \- **"New" Name** \- **Chat Name**
> 
> Human Kite - Kite - SoaringFlying
> 
> Toolshed - Power Tool - YouveBeenDrilled
> 
> Mysterion - Mysterion - Mysterion
> 
> The Coon - The Coon - IAmTHECoon
> 
> Call Girl - Ms WiFi - BeepMe
> 
> Mosquito - Mosquito - SupportLawyers
> 
> Tupperware - CANister - DoNotOpen
> 
> Fastpass - Fastpass - OnYourLeft
> 
> Dr. Timothy - Dr. Timothy - DrTimmey
> 
> Super Craig - Power Fist - no
> 
> Wonder Tweek - Weather - Drizzle


End file.
